So, out here, a joke amongst us actual seasonnaires is the false advertising that is chalet girl. It’s time someone took it upon themselves to set the record straight here – and that person is going to be me.
All of the following is somewhat misleading (absolute bullshit)
First things first, I feel that the most ludicrous scene in the entire film is where Kim’s wonderful guests take her with them in the helicopter to the top of the slopes for champagne and canapes. Kim, dream on love. These people do not exist – in reality she would not be allowed within 100 feet of a guests’ bloody helicopter unless it was to run up with Petronella’s fur headband that she had devastatingly left behind. Some of my hosts have only just about managed to get a tip from guests, let alone a helicopter ride.
Also is the mere fact that she got the job based on no experience and no cookery course – sadly, it’s just a tad more competitive than that in reality. (For example some of the hosts out here have paid more than £1,000 in advance to the season just for a cooking course.)
Secondly, I seem to recall the girls in the film having something ridiculous like a three week period where the guests aren’t in the chalet – this does not happen in reality. Trust me – if there was a property vacant, you would be moved elsewhere to continue the graft, not laying around in a luxury chalet throwing parties every night.
On that note – if you even DARED to SPEAK the word party in a chalet, let alone get naked in the hot tub, you. would. be. fired. (Here I come Chalet Gatwick) Plus, you spend so much time in the chalets tidying up and dealing with complaints anyway that you don’t want to spend any longer in them than absolutely necessary.
Also, don’t expect to become an Olympian out here. If you find the time and energy amongst all of the work to train and ride hard enough to win a slopestyle competition then please do come and find me and I will personally present you with a flying pig.
Okay, that’s the lies out of the way, now we can turn to what actually happens out here.
For the first month, at least, you will be making amazing new friends, getting free stuff thrown at you, and, admittedly, not having a fucking clue what you’re actually doing in your job, but, we are all in the same boat. (Smile and wave, smile and wave)
You will also get some creepy guests. For some reason, when on holiday, people lose all social filter and treat you as if you are literally an added extra for their own personal enjoyment. Whilst I’m not recommending you pour boiling hot tea over their crotch, it is something you will have to deal with at some point during a season so it’s probably best you get practising your ‘get the fuck away from me’ polite laugh.
Surprisingly, you will also meet some dainty females in tight black outfits and fur who actually have the physical ability of a rugby forward (lesson learned in the queue to the chairlift). These females do in fact have a tendency to be called something-ella and should be treated with more caution on the slopes than Olympic downhillers.
Finally, the big one, the romance. You will, more than likely, fall for someone out here. Combine breath taking scenery with new, attractive and interesting people and you have got yourself the perfect rom-com. But seriously, I was told before I came out here by someone who had previously completed a ski season about this mysterious thing called ‘mountain love’ and I brushed it off, but it is real. I can’t promise you all that you will find your very own Ed Westwick but I can tell you that there are likeminded people in the mountains, one of which you might just find yourself falling for.
The important thing to remember out here, during the highs and lows, during the loving and the hating is the fact that having a shit time out here beats having a shit time at home.